Who Cares.

I am not defined by being the woman who didn't know she was pregnant. That does not make up my identity. I understand it is a big part of of my life and probably the biggest part of my story, but it doesn't define who I am as a person.

I am a woman who knows a lot about how the human body works. I studied it in college.
I am not oblivious to what is happening to my body. I take good care of myself and I am in tune with what I need to be healthy.

I am a woman who was blessed with a body that is able to carry a child for nine months. I grew a human and then pushed it out of my body, just like every other woman who has been pregnant.

My pregnancy may have looked differently than a "normal" one, but it was still a pregnancy and I still went through it.

And no,
I didn't feel him kick. And that sucks because when I thought of what it would be like to be pregnant, I couldn't wait to know what it felt like to have a tiny baby kick from the inside.
And no,
I didn't show. And that sucks too because I had plans of how I would track how big my belly got.
And no,
We didn't move to California so we could "hide the pregnancy." Why would we want to keep the joy of expecting a baby from our families.

Over the past year, I have been the subject at dinner parties, I have been questioned, and I have been doubted.

I understand people are interested and want to know details and I love talking about Landon's story because it is beautiful, but I can tell when people are skeptical and are waiting for a flaw in the story.

In a previous post, I said, "It has been a year of overcoming guilt and "what ifs" and that statement couldn't be any more true. I struggled and still struggle.
I have never felt more terrible than I did when I found out I was pregnant and delivering the same day. All I could think of, was "How did I miss this and what have I done."
I had dreamed of what it would be like to find out I was pregnant. I thought it would be exciting and joyful and happy, but instead I was scared to death and the first thing I said to Tyler was, "Nobody is going to believe me." and he said, "Who cares."

At the time, "Who cares" wasn't enough for me, but now, it is plenty.
It's plenty because I've learned that I don't have to prove myself and I don't have to convince anyone because the only thing that matters...is Landon.

Landon was born healthy and perfect, but people don't usually ask about him. They want to know every reason why I didn't know I was pregnant.

I've come to a place where I feel more grace than guilt.
And a place where I feel more blessed than cheated out of a "normal" pregnancy.
A year ago, I couldn't have said that.

I am where I am now because I look at Landon every day and he is so smart and so adorable and so full of love and energy, I realize that because of my lifestyle and because of God, he is here and thriving.
And nothing else matters.