Thursday, September 17, 2015

Toren Asher Kleeberger

Tyler and I had always debated about finding out the gender of our children before they were born.
I loved the idea of being surprised.
Tyler, however, is a planner and thought if we found out, we would be better prepared.
These thoughts were all before Landon was born.

Everything (literally) about Landon was a surprise. If you need a refresher, here is the story of Landon's birth day 

So after Landon was born, we both agreed when the time came to have another baby, we would find out everything possible, including the gender. It just made sense to us. If we could get any information on the baby - we wanted it. Do you blame us?

The discussion of having another baby was never even spoken of until Landon was about a year and a half. To be honest, I wasn't even sure if I wanted another baby. After all, I loved Landon so much, I never thought I would be able to love another child like I loved him.

It wasn't until early fall of 2014 that talk of another baby started.
I remember the exact day and exactly where we were when we both finally agreed that we were ready for another baby.

We had taken a trip to Traverse City.






We were driving back to the place we were staying. We had just hiked Sleeping Bear Dunes (not an easy task with a 1.5 year old). And Tyler, happily said, "I think we are ready for another baby." I agreed. And so did Landon! After all, he got some say in this decision, too!

I took this picture when we told him that he may eventually have a little brother or sister. 
Can't you see the excitement on his face?


It took us a few months, but we eventually had success and we were thrilled. 

I was excited to experience pregnancy and we were both excited to find out the gender of our baby. 

Tyler thought it would be fun to have a girl because then "we would be symmetrical" (his quote, not mine). I was honestly indifferent, but maybe secretly wanted another boy since that what was familiar to me. 

We found out it was a girl, and we were both thrilled!
We named her and began thinking about what she was going to be like. I refrained from buying every adorable outfit I saw, but always browsing the stores for things I just couldn't pass up. I began planning what her room was going to look like and we started preparing Landon for his little sister, encouraging him to call her by name. He caught on very quickly and would even talk to her through my belly.

Speaking of my belly, it actually grew this time:

18 weeks

20 Weeks

25 Weeks


27 Weeks

30 Weeks

35 Weeks

And despite having some pregnancy complications, we were excited to begin raising a baby girl. 



Except the baby girl we had been calling by name and creating an identity for, had other plans. 

Delivery day arrived and I was more than ready for this baby to reside elsewhere. 

After Landon was born, I told Tyler I wanted to have our next baby without an epidural. That all sounds great and magical, except when you are actually in the middle of a horrible contraction and you realize you are actually going to push a baby out of your body - then you think twice about your decision. It didn't even matter that the nurse told me it would take longer for the anesthesiologist to get to my room than if I would just start pushing and get the baby out. Easy for her to say...

But, after much encouragement from Tyler, my doctor, the nurses around me, and a lot of will power and determination, I made the final decision to deliver this baby completely naturally - without an epidural. 

As I'm pushing, I'm hearing everyone saying, "Here she comes. She is almost here. One more push." And after about 15 minutes (15 minutes is amazing, but it felt like 15 hours) of this, the baby girl was finally out. 

Except, the baby girl wasn't a girl at all. This baby was, in fact, a screaming, healthy, boy. 


As soon as he was out, I knew. 
Because of my positioning, I was the first one to see and I yelled, "Its a boy!" I kept saying it over and over again - I think I was trying to convince myself he was a boy and not a girl. 

7lbs 12oz and 20inches long

A healthy, beautiful boy. 

We had talked about a few boy names before we had found out the gender. 
Tyler actually came up with the name, Toren. I liked it because it was different, but nothing outrageous.








And just like that, we became a family of four.


Our hospital visit was pretty short. Toren and I were both healthy and had no recovery complications, so there was no reason to stay. Of course we were happy to be going home, but honestly, I was scared to death.

It felt a lot different when we took Landon home.
We really had no idea what we were doing or really what to expect. Tyler and I had been around babies to know the basics, but its a lot different when the baby is actually your complete responsibility.

Taking Toren home was a different kind of scared.
We were taking him home to join his two year old brother who still thought he was a girl and is going to require our attention and entertainment, all while caring for a newborn.

I knew the first thing I wanted to do when I got home, was empty out the girl clothes and replace them with what I had left of Landon's newborn clothes.
I needed to do this.
It was another step in moving forward with my, now, little boy whom I thought was going to be a girl.

The first few hours were completely overwhelming.



One of the first things Landon said when we got in the door was, "I think Toren wants to go bye bye." Which is a funny thing to look back on now, but it wasn't so funny in that overwhelming moment.

Toren needed fed and Landon wanted to be with me at all times. So, he joined us.


It wasn't that I didn't want to be around Landon, I was just too physically and emotionally exhausted to answer one thousands questions, including questions about what and how Toren was eating. 

Tyler was just as overwhelmed as I was and we both agreed that Landon was going to have an early bedtime. We just needed time to process what was going on.

After we got Landon to bed and we finally got to sit down, I sobbed.

I cried for at least twenty minutes.

I cried because I was overwhelmed.
Overwhelmed at the fact that my once easy, rhythmic life with just one chid, was over. How was I going to give Landon enough attention? When was I going to play with him? Was he going to think I didn't love him as much as I used to? I had these thoughts long before that moment, but now it was a reality that I was scared to face.

I cried because this baby that I thought was a girl was actually boy. I wasn't upset because he was a boy and it wasn't that I wanted a girl so badly that I was sad or angry he was a boy, I cried because I felt like I had to mourn the loss of a child. Which I know probably sounds like a really selfish thing to say because I am sure losing a child is absolutely unbearable, but we had created an image of what this little girl was going to be like - look like, and she never showed up. It was like she disappeared. I had even been journaling throughout my pregnancy in hopes of giving the journal to her someday when (and if) she ever got pregnant.

I cried because I felt like I didn't even know who Toren was. I didn't feel a connection with him and I was having a hard time grasping who he was. I almost felt like he wasn't mine, even though he was the baby growing in my womb this whole time.

I also probably cried because I just had a baby and crazy things happen to your mind and body when you have a baby.

And above everything else, I felt completely guilty for the feelings I was feeling.
I should be feeling so thankful for birthing another healthy baby.

You hear stories of the instant love mothers feel as soon as they see and hold their baby for the first time. And I think this is why I was feeling so guilty. It wasn't that I didn't love this baby that I just gave birth to, I just wasn't really expecting the baby I was given.

It took some time....

I intentionally spent as much time as I possibly could just Toren and me.

Studying him, breathing him in, and accepting the reality that it was him this whole time.
It was Toren growing in my womb. It was him kicking me from the inside. It was him who turned me against Chipotle and Oreos. It was him that Tyler and I created.

Its been a little over a month now, and I can happily say we have adjusted really well.


Toren is so sweet and so lovable. 

He nurses so well and has from the very beginning.
He sleeps better than I was expecting him to. He is waking up every three or four hours to eat and then he goes right back to sleep.
He is easily soothed and is content just being held close to you. 

He is wonderful and I love him more than I thought possible.
I'm honored that I have been given this baby boy to watch grow and help guide.

I know he has a purpose and he is going to do great things for the world. 
I'm just lucky enough to get to experience it as his Mama.


Tuesday, September 8, 2015

I'm Back!

I haven't written (publicly) since I announced that we were expecting another baby.
That feels like an eternity ago.
Maybe thats because so much has happened since then - the biggest thing being welcoming a sweet, baby boy into the world.

Just to update you a little bit on what has been happening the past 10 months:

Landon is a little over 2.5. Can you believe that? I can't.


I can't believe he is going to be THREE in December. We are going to have a three year old and it blows my mind how fast the past three years have gone.
He is the sweetest, funniest, gentlest, loving, most polite (and most talkative) little guy I know.
He is also stubborn, demanding, and throws tantrums for absolutely no reason at all!
He is completely wonderful and growing up so fast


He has handled the past 10 months with such ease.
When we found out there was a tear in my placenta, I was ordered to not lift anything over 10lbs. This included my toddler who just so happens to be a mama's boy and would typically want to be carried around, everywhere, by me.
After explaining to him that mama wasn't going to be able to carry him until his (at the time little sister) was born, he seemed to mature in record time. Everyday he would say, "No no, Mama, you can't pick me up. Your belly hurts." He always made sure I had everything I needed, and everything I didn't, including plastic food and matchbox cars. He even started helping around the house by taking his dishes to the sink and helping put the dishes away after they were washed.


Then! His little brother was born.


I was honestly expecting it to be a disaster. Landon is such a Mama's boy, I was sure he would immediately dismiss another baby in the house.
I was completely wrong.
He has embraced his little brother with such love. He is constantly asking, "Where is Toren? Can I hold him? I like him. I'm a big brother!"
It melts my heart watching Landon love his brother.





Tyler is still the pastor at Metamora United Methodist Church. The church is doing awesome and growing every week. There are so many struggles that come with being married to a pastor and I have such respect for other pastor's wives - but with the struggles comes a great sense of pride. I am so proud of Tyler and what he is doing for this church and for the community of Evergreen.

The past few months have not been easy. He took on so much responsibility when I wasn't able to do the things I normally take care of. He turned into a pastor, football coach, stay at home dad, housekeeper, and chef. I couldn't have made it without him.

He is also a football coach for the Evergreen Vikings. He loves it and he is good at it.
Landon loves it too - Tyler takes him to practice all the time and he even gets to go on the field at the end of games.


I can't think of too many dad's who would be able to entertain/watch their two year old at practice, all while devoting time and energy to his players. He is pretty amazing.

And the biggest thing to happen in our lives has been this little guy:

Toren Asher Kleeberger

I'm sure most of you have heard by now - Toren was supposed to be a girl, but he came out and surprised us by being a boy! (Toren's birth story will be coming soon!)

We are completely in love with him and he is wonderful.

And me?
I've been trying to adjust to having two babies instead of one. I'm not going to lie - it has been a bit of an emotional struggle. Call it hormones or whatever you want, but it hasn't been bliss (more about this later, too).

I'm hoping to use this blog more consistently as an outlet for real, relatable, honest thoughts. I think far too often people only share the really happy and positive things that make their lives seem perfect (which I will still be sharing plenty of). I want this to be a space that demonstrates what my real life of being married to a pastor/football coach and a mama of two little boys, actually looks like.

Feel free to hold me accountable ;-)