His
Hers
And for the past year, we have pretty much biked everywhere, even in the bipolar weather of Ohio with the exception of when we decided to move across the country to California driving this beauty:
Finner
I would never do it again, but I would tell anyone to drive across the country at least once. The experience of driving as long as you want (and can), and then stopping whenever and wherever you want is a really cool experience...especially when you do it with your husband.
Consequentially, we had to stop quite a bit. Because who wants to sit in a Penske truck for 40 straight hours?
Not me.
So one of our stops was at one of Utah's beautiful national parks where we did a lot of pretty intense hiking.
It was a good couple day break from the confines of the truck, but were soon back on the road and after 9 days of everything from the boring plains of Kansas to the beautiful Rockies of Colorado, we finally arrived at our apartment and began unpacking. The walk from our truck to our apartment was about a block away and then up three flights of stairs. We carried box after box for seven straight hours and in the midst of being completely exhausted, we were finally settled into our lives as Californians.
Besides working and going to school, we pretty much just went to beach, hiked to some waterfalls, and explored Pasadena on our bikes.
We basically just enjoyed our first year of marriage in a beautiful state where the weather is always perfect and the mountains and beach are the perfect distance away (we can see the mountains from our apartment).
A pretty regular life, yet a life that would change "in the blink of an eye." Or in our case, it changed with a single sentence.
"You're Pregnant."
December 9th, 2012 I woke up with some back pain. The night before, Tyler and I had went on a 20 mile bike ride so I just assumed I had pulled a muscle. Pulled muscles eventually get better, but this was getting worse...and worse...and the pain got so bad I said, "If this is what having a baby feels like, I'm not doing it."
Oh the irony...
So three days had past and I figured I needed to go to the hospital because something was either seriously wrong, or I was going to die.
We walked into the emergency room and they quickly moved me to the top or the priority list because obviously something was going on. After asking me all those great questions like "How tall are you?" "How much do you weigh?" "When was your last period?," they ordered an X-ray, but not before doing a urine sample to make sure I wasn't pregnant.
So Tyler and I are sitting in a tiny room, trying to figure out what the heck was happening and the doctor comes in and says to me, "Surprise! You are pregnant."
Uhhh excuse me? Thats not possible. I've been on birth control for over a year now, I haven't gained any weight, and have showed no signs of human life growing inside of me. Not to mention I have done A TON of things I shouldn't have done if I'm actually pregnant:
I moved across the country.
Hiked in really hot, intense conditions.
Carried a bunch of heavy stuff while moving.
Biked hundreds of miles.
Did P90X, including ab ripper X, for awhile.
Not only did I not live without the knowledge that a human was growing inside of me, I went through some pretty crazy, stressful, and emotional events.
Still trying to stay positive, we figured we had a few months to process what we were going to do because we were nowhere near finically ready to have a baby. Not to mention, we had only been married a year and a half and we still had plenty of things we wanted to do before settling down to start a family.
However, there was no time for questions or discussion because before I knew it, we were being whisked up to ultrasound to see how far along I was.
My ultrasound experience was not like the kind you see on TV.
There was no discussion like, "What are you having?" "Do you have a name picked out? "How has your pregnancy been so far?" "What color is your nursery?"
It was strictly protocol and to the point...
And after what seemed like hours, the doctor came in and said something to me that I will remember for as long as I live.
"You are definitely pregnant. In fact, you are 9 months pregnant and you are going to have to deliver this baby today because your fluid level is too low for the baby's survival."
I have never had so much fear and guilt fill my body in my entire life. These were the thoughts racing through my mind:
I have no idea how to give birth. Women get 9 months to prepare their mind and bodies to endure this kind of thing.
I kept thinking, "There is no way I'm going to be able to do this," followed by, "Well, I don't really have a choice do I?" A tension that consumed me with anxiety and fear.
Then there was the thought that I am already a terrible mother because how does a woman go nine months without knowing a baby is growing inside of her.
There was even the scary thought that I never felt him or her kick so it is probably dead. If it isn't dead, there is no way its going to be healthy because of the birth control I had been taking.
If this baby is sick or if I deliver it and its dead, its going to be my fault and how am I going to live with knowing I caused this to happen...all because I didn't know I was pregnant.
Not to mention, nobody is going to believe me because how do you not know you are pregnant?
If it were not for Tyler, I think I would have passed out.
When I married him, I knew he was amazing, supportive, loving, and all things wonderful, but until that moment, I realized I really take him for granted. I truly would not have been able to move forward with this if I didn't have him as my support.
I needed him to be with me the entire time, and he never left me. Though he was just as scared as I was, he was able to put his feelings aside and was everything I needed him to be and more.
All of these thoughts surfaced instantaneously and we were then up to the labor and delivery floor where they checked to see if I was dilated.
I was.
10 centimeters dialated and they could already feel the baby's hair.
So, we were moved up on the priority list (once again) and were quickly settled into our room.
And at last, there was a step in the positive direction. They found the baby's heartbeat meaning that it was at least alive, But that is all we knew.
I was still in a lot of pain (labor is as painful as women say) and Tyler and I had 9 months of stuff to figure out in about 3 hours so I gave in and got an epidural. I always said I would go natural (and I hope to the next time around), but I think in this case, it was a good idea.
So after I was settled down and finally able to relax for the first time in 3 days, we began to talk about where the baby would sleep, how we would get the things we needed, and how we were going to tell our parents.
We also needed to figure out a name.
We knew if it was a boy, his name was going to be Landon. The middle name, Shae, means, "gift" and we thought that was appropriate.
We had a few girl options, but nothing set in stone. I had a feeling it was a boy, so I wasn't really worried about it.
So eventually the pushing process started and after about 2 hours, we heard the beautiful, crying sound of this little guy...
A precious, healthy, 6lb 13oz 20in long, baby boy.
And then they placed Landon Shae in my arms for the first time.
Of course I fell in love instantly, but my first thought was. "Who are you, and where did you come from, and now what do I do?"
Although it was one of the best moments of my life...I had never felt more guilt than I did in that moment.
Some women do everything exactly right and their pregnancies end in disaster.
I didn't even know I was pregnant and my baby is healthy and beautiful.
Some couples try endlessly to have a baby and for some reason, it doesn't happen.
Tyler and I were not trying to have a baby, and we easily conceived.
Here I was, staring at this amazing human being, feeling completely underserving.
And although it seems great that I didn't gain any weight, never had morning sickness, and never had strange cravings, I felt a major loss of not getting the chance to feel my baby move.
Because I carried him in my lower back throughout the pregnancy, I never felt him kicking. In the midst of so much excitement and life changing happiness, there was still a sense of pain trying to piece everything together.
However, in the midst of my guilt and fear, the doctors and nurses encouraged me by explaining the reason Landon is so healthy is because of everything I did right.
I was active my entire pregnancy. All the hiking, biking, walking, and exercising actually put me in great shape for the delivery process.
And because I am a healthy eater, Landon was able to receive all the nutrients he needed regardless of no prenatal care.
We don't use the world "miracle" to describe Landon, but he truly is amazing and I feel so blessed that God has entrusted Tyler and I to care for this child...even if it was a little unexpected.
Its been almost 5 months now and Landon is the sweetest, happiest, cutest, most loving baby I have ever met. The love I have for him is overwhelming and it is hard for me to remember what my life was like before he entered into the world.
Regardless of anything that happened before 12/12/12, I love this little guy more than any words could express.
Some days I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing and I fear he is going to have a complex because of how he entered into the world, but when I feel like he actually loves me back, those fears disappear.
Feeling his love and appreciation is one of the greatest feelings I have ever experienced.
I love watching him grow and even though I feel like he is growing too fast, I am so thankful that he is flourishing and developing into a wonderful human being.
And even though we didn't know he existed until 6 hours before he was born, we love him like we knew he was there all along.
Most people accept our story as being amazing and incredible, but there are always going to be people who don't believe us.
At first, this really bothered me because why on earth would we hide something like this from people?
And really, what would we have gained by doing so?
To be completely honest, it still does bother me because most of the time, they fail to understand what I went through psychologically.
To this day, I still struggle with the fact that something could have gone terribly wrong. I think I am so protective now because I feel like I didn't protect him while he was in my womb.
I worry about telling him his birth story for the first time because what if he feels like he wasn't wanted or that we didn't care about him?
What if he is resentful of his siblings who have sonogram pictures?
I think about these things all the time and I hope through this story, people may begin to see what was and still goes through my mind.
Sure, I didn't have negative side effects of being pregnant, but I also missed the positives of going through the normal pregnancy process.
However, regardless of what anyone may think, when it comes down to it, I have learned what is really important.
Things could have gone wrong, but they didn't. In fact, they went perfectly.
Landon may have a lot of questions about his birth story, but I hope through the love we have for him as he grows, he will see that he was always wanted, he was and always will be loved, and he is the most beautiful thing have ever created.
I can't wait to see what he does in this world, because it is going to be amazing.
Want my husband's point of view of this unexpected birth? Read his story here!
No comments:
Post a Comment