There was a point in time, during my pregnancy with you, that I really didn't know what your future held.
Was I going to be able to keep you safe, inside my womb long enough for you to be born healthy and fully capable of surviving on the outside?
When we found out there was a placenta abruption, I didn't allow myself to feel any sort of excitement for your arrival. It's not that I didn't want to be excited to see your sweet face and to hold you and to watch Landon with you for the first time, but I couldn't be certain that any of those things were going to happen.
It was terrifying.
And then, we finally made it.
30 weeks. 32 weeks. 35 weeks.
It was finally safe for you to make your appreance.
And you did.
Full of life.
And you were loved.
My sweet boy.
You are already six months old! Can you believe it?
Some days I think to myself - he is ONLY six months old? I'm ready for him to be running around and talking and playing with Landon.
But then, we have moments like this...
And I want to freeze time and keep you just as you are - sweet, innocent, little.
You have been my greatest joy and my greatest challenge and you can range from one or the other in record timing.
Your persistent crying won you a pacifier addiction. Something I swore I would never give in to.
And your sweet smile and excitement for everyone who looks at you makes me melt.
Your lack sleeping has caused tears (for both of us) and frustration. It has kept me awake at night, questioning if I'm doing anything right.
On the other hand, some of my favorite moments with you are when the lights are out, everyone in the house is asleep, and we sit in our rocking chair and rock back and forth. Sometimes, only for a few minutes because I desperately want to get back into my bed, and other times, probably longer than I should.
Looking at your sleeping face reminds me that even when it doesn't feel like it - I have to be doing something right, because the love I have for you trumps any doubts.
There are so many people who have fallen in love with you in just a short amount of time.
However, nobody loves you like your big brother, Landon. He loves you so much and just by seeing the way you look at him and how you respond to him, I know the feeling is mutual.
I know he said, "I think he wants to go bye bye" when we brought you home from the hospital, but he has had such a deep love and connection for you since you entered into this world.
"Sometimes, Toren just needs me, Mama." is enough for me to know that the bond between the two of you is something that doesn't compare to anything else.
You are only six months, but I know you are going to do great things.
I can see it.
I see the way you observe everything around you. You take it all in.
I see how you respond when people speak to you.
I see your strength in how quickly you seem to be reaching new milestones .
You have a great purpose.
At only six months, it's hard to tell what you will become, but I know, whatever you decide to do, it is going to change this world. For the better.
I just get the privilege to watch you, this amazing human being, as your Mama.