Thursday, December 3, 2015

Smoothies and Babies

Last Saturday evening, we were out finishing up some Christmas decoration shopping. It was a little chaotic because I think everyone else was doing the same thing. But, alas, we got a few bulbs and a stocking for Toren and we were ready to get home before Toren's next feeding, which was in about a half hour.

Tyler and I have been on a bit of a smoothie kick. Ever since we discovered that Toren doesn't tolerate dairy (which includes my favorite food - ice cream) smoothies have become the next best thing and we get them often.

We knew we were cutting it close with time, but we agreed that I would run into the mall and get two smoothies for the road.
Now, I have never been in the particular mall before and so you can imagine what that was like.
I had no idea where I was, or where the food court was, and I eventually found out that there was no food court at all. The smoothie stand was it's own little vendor in the middle of the mall.

Finally, I found the stand, got the smoothies, and made it back to the car.
It was going to be close, but I figured we would make it home before Toren would decide he was hungry. I mean, really, have you seen his thighs? I never feed him when he is hungry ;-)

Anyways, we made it about a mile down the road and Toren lost his mind because he was, "starving."

So, we pulled into a gas station and I fed him.

Then, we laughed because we had made it a full five miles down the road in 45 minutes.

All we wanted were some smoothies to enjoy as we listened to our parenting podcast while our sweet, little children slept in the backseat.

Except the smoothies were not that good and we couldn't even hear our podcast over Landon begging for a donut, which we said, "no" to because he had already had three over the course of the day (don't judge us).

The joys of parenthood. Right?
I'm not saying it isn't wonderful and rewarding and great.
But I should mention that I think about what our life was like before we had kids at least a few times a day.

And really, its hard for me to remember what we did all the time before Landon was born.
I do know we had more time on our hands than we do right now and we were pretty boring people.

Parenthood isn't what society wants us to believe it is.
Just scroll through your Facebook feed.
Everyone is posting pictures of how perfect and adorable their children are. I'm guilty of it too!

People only want you to see them at their bests.

I've learned first handedly how destructive this is to believe.

Sometimes, I wish I could have looked into the future to see what motherhood was actually like before Landon was born.

If I could have, I would have seen how everyday is not perfect.

There isn't always motivation to do fun, creative, educational, Pinterest activities.
It isn't full of love and cuddling all day long.
And somedays, I hate to say it, but I wonder what the heck we were thinking when we decided to have one child, and then add another to the madness.

But nobody tells you that when you are pregnant and about to have a baby.
Nobody tells you how hard the first few weeks of motherhood is.
Postpartum issues have almost become a taboo because we are made to believe how in love you are supposed to feel with your baby and how blissful your supposed feel.

When Landon was born, instead of instantly falling in love with him, I was asking, "Who are you and where did you come from?"
And even though we were expecting a baby when Toren was born, since we thought he was a she, I was also asking, "Who are you?"

I feel guilty saying it, but it wasn't love at first sight with either one of them.

I was immediately hard on myself as a mother and had convinced myself that Tyler was the better parent. I was sure they liked him more than they liked me because it seemed like he was able to soothe them faster than me and overall, he seemed like a natural and I felt I was going to drown in anxiety, guilt, and fear.

With Landon, nursing was hard! Here was I, supposed to be able to feed my baby the most natural way possible, and I felt like I there was no way I was going be able to do it. The doctor's encouraged us to supplement and he always took the bottle fine, but seemed frustrated when I nursed him which in return, frustrated me, leaving us both in tears. I felt like I was failing him - and it wasn't because I told myself I was failing, but it was because the world pushes breastfeeding so hard and I assumed that I had to make this work or I would be giving him second best.

Of course that isn't true. As long as your baby is getting nourished, thats the most important thing! And eventually, nursing became second nature for both of us and supplementing wasn't needed. But, nobody told me how hard it was...or how painful it is at first.

With Toren, luckily nursing came very easily. I like to think it was easier because I had a little more experience and I knew what to expect.
But, I still felt more exhausted, tired, sore, than I did overwhelming love for the baby I just gave birth to.
It took me a few weeks to genuinely enjoy him.

The first months of being a parent are exhausting and I don't just say this for the first time parents. I think its probably exhausting whether you have one child or six. The first few months are overwhelming...and its okay to be honest about that.

I would be lying if I said I felt like my heart was going to burst with love for my kids every second of every day.

Landon drives me crazy with his tantrums over nothing and Toren is about to put us over the edge with his no sleeping strike.

Its okay to admit that its hard and not always bliss.
Don't feel guilty when you get frustrated during the stressful moments.

Allow yourself to work through those feelings and enjoy the times when your heart does burst with love...because there are plenty of those moments too.

1 comment:

  1. Awe... Love the honesty!! I feel similarly about many things... I'm trying to keep it in perspective this time instead of "planning" for a FB highlight reel!

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