My Sweet Gram

If there was one person I would want Landon to meet, it would be my sweet Gram.

She was the best at loving me. She loved my brother and I more than anyone or anything else. And don't think I'm just saying that...she would tell anyone.

Not many people get to say they had the honor of growing up living in the same house as their grandma. However, I am.

Some of my best childhood memories revolve around her:

     I loved waking up and smelling the wonderful smell of her homemade bread. I would toddle downstairs and she would be kneaded the dough and she would even give me my very own dough ball to play with.

    She never missed a dance recital....even if they were painfully long. 

    Playing Yahtzee and Don't Wake Daddy. Somehow...I always won.

    Getting me ready for school in the morning was always eventful. She didn't really know how to work a curling iron and she never seemed to get my pigtails even. 

    She let me watch Days of Our Lives or Golden Girls instead of taking naps.

Whenever I had sleepovers, she always made sure my friends and I had enough to eat and she would offer hugs and kisses to them as if they were her own granddaughters. 

    She hugged and kissed me every chance she could get and she always told me how much she loved me.

    I always had in her my corner. Even if I was wrong, she was on my side.

I try to honor her life by loving people, inviting people in, even when I don't want to, trying to bake like her, and practicing patience regardless of the circumstance.

I will always remember spending her last days with her. Even though she couldn't talk, she somehow managed to get out one more, "I love you."

If You Need A Little Laugh...

Sometimes, you just need a good laugh.

Here are some of my favorite pictures from awkwardfamilyphotos.com

Every family needs a "Beauty and The Beast" family photo.

A boy and his sweeper 

Good Morning!

Rough day...

Nothing says, "Merry Christmas" like a shirt full of facial hair!

Humm....There is just so much going on in this picture.

Why does Santa have a black eye?

Where can you find a pencil that big?

Just in case you needed a little laugh ;-)

My Husband is The Bomb.

These are the most important men in my life.

I didn't know that I could love Tyler any more than I did on the day I married him. When we had Landon, and I saw Tyler interact with him for the first time, I fell even more in love with him. There is no other man I would want Landon learning from.

Tyler loves me unconditionally and he shows it daily. He is passionate, determined, hard working, patient, compassionate, selfless, protective, ect. He is everything that I hope Landon grows into.

I love watching Tyler teach Landon new things. Whether is is, "We don't pinch Mama, we love her." or teaching him how and why the plants grow. Tyler is the best dad for Landon.

Some days I look at Tyler and wonder how I got so lucky to have him as my husband. His ability to balance school, work, studying, and his family amaze me.

If Landon grows up to be half the man his daddy is, he is going to be an awesome human being.

"This Love is Ours"

9.28.2008, Tyler and I met for the first time in a general education music class as freshmen in college.

12.25.09, Tyler asked me to marry him

Him and his family drove to my house Christmas night, surprised me, and in front of our families, in the house I grew up in, he got down on one knee and proposed.


Poor guy was scared to death...and this is why.
Tyler and I had NEVER discussed the idea of getting married. And when I say, "never" I mean the topic was kind of forbidden. We didn't want to talk about it until we were ready. Tyler literally was asking me about marriage for the very first time when he proposed and really had no idea what I would say.

After I said, "Are you serious?" I said, "Yes."

7.1.11. we got married.

5.19.2012 we moved to California so Tyler could attend Fuller Theological Seminary

12.12.12. we had a baby.

We had never talked about marriage before Tyler proposed.

We got married "too young" and we had no money.

We uprooted not even a year after we got married and moved across the country (still no money).

We were away from our family, only married for a year, and we had a baby.

But regardless of doing things differently than most people, our marriage is flourishing and beautiful. 

I reflect on this story often because it is ours and we totally own it. 

We don't do things the way most people would do them, but I think that is what makes our marriage great. 

The theme of our wedding was, "A Flower That Pierces The Concrete." In the midst of darkness, ugliness, and death, we want our marriage to be different and something beautiful for not only us, but for the world around us. When Landon and our (possible) other children grow up, I hope they will be able to see a marriage that is unlike any other marriage they have seen and as a result, they will live their lives differently as well. 

One of the best things about Tyler, is his passion for our marriage. He is constantly working on himself to make our marriage the best it can be. I always say that I would never be able to do this life with anyone except him, and I truly mean that. 

Not a California Girl

I'm sure you have heard the song, "California Girls." Its pretty obnoxious, but annoyingly catchy. However, I never really payed attention to the song until we moved here. As I was going to work one day, I started listening to it and said to Landon (as if he cares), "This song has a lot more meaning when you can relate."

Let me just break down some of these lyrics you:

The lyrics will be in blue ad my response will be in black.

"I know a place, where the grass is always greener"
     Fasle. There is no grass here. Unless it is fake.

"Warm, wet, and wild. There must be something in the water."
     There is definitely something in the water, because the water that comes out of our sink is cloudy and little things tend to float to the top. And! There is a big water shortage because people have to water their fake grass all the time.

"Sippin' gin and juice. Layin underneath the palm trees"
     Laying under palms trees is pretty nice, but I've heard that rats live in the tops of them.

"You could travel the world, but nothing comes close to the golden coast"
     Just go travel the world.
   
"Toned, Tan, Fit, and Ready"
     The expectation to be in shape and fit is disgusting, and for me, completely ridiculous. People aren't trying to be healthy for their well being, they do it so they can look good. People don't run for the health benefits, they run so they can show off the newest nike shoe.
     There is a lack of confidence around here, and its masked with the latest fashions. It is rare to see a girl walking down the street in sweat pants and a t-shirt. Keeping up with the newest thing has to be exhausting.
     Also, "Toned, Tan, Fit, and Ready" only applys to the rich, white elite culture where the standards are much higher.

"The girls a freak, she drives a jeep, and live on the beach"
     First of all, that isn't really a sentence (thats fitting too). Second of all, the only people living on the beach are the homeless people.

"I'm okay, I wont play, I love the bay, just like I love L.A."
     Living in L.A. has instilled in me a fear of cats. Yes, you read that right...cats. People bring them out like they are dogs and they are so creepy and unpredictable. And speaking of dogs...everyone feels the need to take their dogs EVERYWHERE. Even in restaurants! Yuck. The little, tiny white dogs are the worst. They get under your feet and somehow take up the entire sidewalk.
     
"Venice Beach and Palm Springs summertime is everyday"
     Have you ever been to Venice Beach? Seriously...the strangest place I have ever been. It is full of medical marijuana places and strange street shows. Not exactly a dream destination.

These are just some of the lyrics that cracked me up.

My point is, we have LOVED our time in California. We have gotten to do a lot of great things we wouldn't have been able to do had we stayed in OH or PA. We love Pasadena and will definitely miss it when we leave. It is beautiful and filled with great restaurants, beaches, mountains, and things to explore. The culture, however, is very different and not always desirable. The high maintenance, fear of not fitting in, and money, is something Tyler and I just don't fit in or agree.

Also, I would never want to be put in the category of "California Girls."

Incase you were curious, here is the music video.

Biking > Driving

Last March, Tyler and I bought bikes.

At first, I did not enjoy riding. Its not that I didn't know how to ride it, but until you really get the hang of shifting gears, it is hard.

Alliance, Ohio is not exactly the most friendly place to commute by bike. You get yelled at a lot and drivers definitely do not know the rules of bicycles on the road. Rules such as, a bicyclist has the same rights to the road as a car, and it is actually illegal to ride your bike on the sidewalk. 

Anyways...I did not always enjoy riding my bike. 

Hills were hard, Tyler was faster than I was, and it was miserable biking in the cold. Of course, I could have just taken the car, but we committed to using the car as little as possible and I was determined to get to the point where I loved riding my bike.

We moved to California, and biking here is a lot different. We have our own bike lanes and cars are a lot more respectful and cautious. There are even these billboards displayed:

Over the past few months, I have truly fallen in love with riding my bike. I prefer it over a car any day, especially because traffic around here is terrible. I'm happy to say that we bike everywhere except to the beach and to the mountains. I love the exercise and I love the feeling of freedom riding my bike gives me.

For Tyler and I, riding a bike just makes sense. We want to help restore the world and for us, biking is a way to do so. When we had Landon, one of the first things we wanted to do with him, was take him on a bike ride. Obviously, we couldn't do that, but we were highly anticipating the day when we could go on a family bike ride. As soon as he was able to fully support his head, we started biking with him.

Now, I know what you are thinking...

     You are crazy for biking on the road with your 5 month old. However, we feel strongly that he is just as safe in his bike trailer as he is in the car. In fact, there are more car accidents than biking accidents. And! Drivers are so friendly and cautious when they see that you have a child's trailer on the back of your bike.

Besides the helmet, he enjoys riding in his bike trailer a lot more than riding in the car. He either talks to himself, chews on his blanket, or just falls asleep. We have the pillows for extra cushion and comfort.  His trailer is attached to my bike and he gets to sit back and enjoy the ride while I do all the peddling.

We recently went on a bike ride along the beach and it easily became my favorite thing we have done in California. Not only was the ride beautiful, but I had the honor of riding beside my husband while our little boy rode behind us. For me, the day was so fulfilling and I felt so blessed to have the privilege to ride a bike in such a beautiful setting.

I can't wait for the day when we buy Landon his first bike, but for now...I like that he is riding safely behind me. 

P.S. If you are driving, and you see a bicyclist, give 'em some respect and be a little more cautious when driving past them.

38 Lessons Learned

Saying, "I've learned a lot" over the past year would be a huge understatement. I can't believe it has only been a year since Tyler and I graduated college and drove across the country to live in California.

I think as humans, we are always learning new things about the people around us, the world, and the life we are supposed to live.

Here are some of the things I have learned (in no particular order).

1. Tyler is the greatest man on the planet. I see some seminary wives living such dreadful lives so their husbands can pursue what they want to do. Tyler never makes me feel like that. He is always encouraging me to find what I want to do in this world and he is supportive. I believe our marriage has developed into something really beautiful over the past 2 years and I can't imagine doing this life with any other person. He is the love of my life and my best friend.

2. The love I have for Landon is unlike any other.

3. My bike is one of my favorite things.  

4. There is no shame going to a food distribution. Fuller has a free food distribution for students and people in the community. It has been a blessing to us.

5. Don't box your life up the way you think it should go. God can shatter those boxes at any moment and turn it into something much more beautiful and fulfilling.

6. You don't usually get excited over little things until you have a baby. When Landon rolled over for the first time, you would have thought we won the lottery.

7. California weather is miserable during August, September, October and November.

8. Hotel pools are easy to access. Without a room key ;-)

9. LA traffic is as terrible as they say it is. 

10. Your baby's first holidays may not be sweet and joyous. 

He was obviously not interested in Christmas presents or Easter eggs.

11. If you are registering for your baby shower and you are debating whether or not you need something...you don't need it. Trust me. 

12. Living in seminary housing doesn't alway mean the people around you are friendly and nice.

13. Avocados have become one of my favorite foods.

14. I would choose Tyler's cooking over a restaurant any day.

15. I took my back country roads and small town for granted while I was growing up.

16. Ants can take over a kitchen very quickly.

17. Businesses make it very inconvenient for mothers to nurse their babies in public. 

18. I have gained so much respect for single parents. I don't know how they do it.

19. Playing Call of Duty can form great friendships with people.

20. High school and college years are the easiest of your life.

21. Not having cable is a great thing.

22. Regardless of all the terrible and tragic things that happen in the world, there are some really beautiful and generous people out there.

23. My husband is one of the hardest working people I know.

24. Not having a washer and a dryer in your apartment is annoying, yet very humbling.

25. Fun Fact: At night, in LA, you are always within 20 feet of a rat. Wanna come visit?

26. Hiking with your husband can be a very spiritual experience.

27. I could eat an entire box of honey nut cheerios...without milk.

28. I love pomegranate seeds.

29. You appreciate seasons much more when you don't get to experience them.

30. Hospital bills and student loans are annoyingly expensive. I think education and getting medical attention should be free.

31. Living behind a gas station sucks.

32. It is awesome when you can pick strawberries out of your own garden and eat them.

33. Living in California is too expensive and it isn't as glamourous as people think.

34. Choosing to nurse Landon has been one of the greatest decisions I have ever made. To think he is growing and developing because of what I'm feeding him is so rewarding!

35. European board games are better than traditional board games.

36. Turnips are disgusting.

37. Old friendships can be mended.

38. Don't always be so sure that your not pregnant ;-)

Being a Young Mom

Please allow me to vent.

One of the biggest frustrations I have had since Landon was born, is people looking at me, thinking I'm a teen mom, and making comments about how I can't possibly know what I'm doing with a baby.

Now, I'm not upset that people think I look young. Someday, I will really appreciate that. And, I'm not saying teen mom's don't know how to be parents. When I had Landon, I gained a lot of respect for other young mom's and especially single parents because being a parent is exhausting. I'm blessed to have Tyler as my life partner.

Anyways, here are a couple examples.

When Landon was about a month old, I took him on a walk to target. The weather is usually pretty warm in California and this particular day, it was in the low 70s. I had him in his stroller and he didn't have a jacket on, but he did have a blanket and it was warm outside. An older lady approached me and our conversation went something like this.
      Lady: How old is your baby?
     Me: He is a month old. (I replied nicely thinking she was simply starting a conversation over an adorable baby)
     Lady: Well, don't you think he should be wearing a jacket?
     Me: Its pretty warm outside and he doesn't seem to be cold. (I was caught off guard, but still replied with a happy tone)
     Lady: Thats the problem with you teen parents, you have no idea what you are doing.

Not only was I shocked that she had the nerve to say that, but I was mad, upset, and hurt that she thought I wasn't fit to take care of my child. And! I was mad that she was coming down on teen parents like that. I know of some great parents who had their babies at a young age and they are doing a great job raising their kids.

Another time, I was at the park with Landon. We were playing in the grass and someone approached me and in a not so nice tone, she asked me why I didn't have a mask over Landon's face. I didn't understand why she was asking me that until she went on this big rant about all the diseases he could catch.
     Once again, someone made me feel like I wasn't capable of taking care of my baby.

Now, I'm not saying that I don't appreciate advice from parents who have more experience than I do, but it throughly upsets me when I feel belittled by someone because of the way I choose to take care of Landon.

I must say, I am proud of Tyler and I because I think we have done a great job (so far) with Landon. He is happy, healthy, and developing into an awesome little boy. And, I do have a sense of pride because we have done this on our own. This isn't really ideal because we want Landon to be around our family, but for now...its just Tyler and I.

So, I guess there really isn't a conclusion or a point to this, but I felt the need/want to express some of my current frustrations.

Landon's Laughter

Landon's laugh is contagious.

He can laugh at anything...

     or nothing at all.

Sometimes, he will just look at Tyler and I and start cracking up. It is amazing to me that he can be so happy with absolutely nothing going on around him. 

He is entertained by:

- Taking a bath

- People talking to him

- Anything he can chew on

- Bright lights

- Tyler's guitar playing

- Bedtime stories

- Going for walks

- His toys

- Blowing raspberries

- Funny sounds

- Having conversations with us (or himself)

Notice I didn't mention a TV, a phone, a computer, or other electronic devices in front of him.

I think this is one of the greatest things Landon has taught me. 

Too often I think we need to be entertained by something instead of simply just being and enjoying the simple things that surround us.

He is constantly teaching me things and I'm sure this will continue for the next 20+ years of his life.

Happily Moving Forward

When Landon was born, I started writing him letters.

I started with his birth story, went on about how I felt about being a new mom unexpectedly, now I'm writing a letter every month, and I will continue to write one every year after his first birthday. Whenever I think he is ready, I'm going to give him these letters.

Today, I sat down to write and I can't believe he is already five months old. He has changed and developed so much and every day I seem to fall a little more in love with him. 

This is Landon a few days after was born: 

I loved how he would just fall asleep in my arms and let me hold him as long as I wanted (all the time).

This is Landon now:

He doesn't like being held as much, and its rare if he falls asleep in my arms.

I know I said I wanted him to stay tiny, but I was wrong.

Watching him grow and learn new things every day has been one of the best experiences of my life.  I am often reminded how blessed we are to have such a healthy little boy. Sure, I miss him being tiny, but there are so many great things ahead!

I'm truly enjoying this stage of his life.  I love when he sleepily wakes up from his naps and I love that he gets excited when I walk into the room. I love watching Tyler play with him and listening to Landon laugh. I love how he wrinkles his little forehead when he is confused or trying to figure something out. I love how he "talks"...a lot. 

I especially love that he loves us back. 

Yes, I have tattoo

Two years ago, I got a tattoo.

Yes, you read that right...
   Vanessa Kleeberger has a tattoo.

And yes, I can answer all those questions people ask you when, or before you get a tattoo.

Do you know it will be there forever?
     Yes, that is why I debated it for over a year before I actually went through with it.

Won't it look funny when you get old?
    Maybe. But when I'm old, my tattoo will probably be the least of my worries.

What if you regret it?
     I think people regret their tattoos only when they do it impulsively and without really thinking it through. This is the reason I waited so long to do it.

Honestly, I'm fascinated by tattoos. Of course there will always be those ones that you can tell were not thought out properly, but for the most part, I think they can be beautiful and people are too quick to negatively judge.

I believe tattoos tell a story and there is always going to be some kind of meaning or symbol behind it.


This is my tattoo:
   

It says, "love" in hebrew and the best part is, it is written in Tyler's handwriting. 

This tattoo isn't really for show and the reason I placed it here was so it couldn't be seen by anyone unless I intentionally show it. 

So you are probably wondering...

     What was the point?

For me, this tattoo was the start of freedom from something I have always struggled with.

     People Pleasing

Did I need to get a tattoo for this to be possible, not necessarily, but doing this was one of the most liberating experiences of my life. 

This tattoo was something I knew I wanted, but I feared what people would think and how people would judge me. Sometimes, people who have tattoos are placed into a negative stereotype and I was afraid of that. 

Being a people pleaser is a consuming, vicious, destructive cycle that is completely exhausting and for me, this tattoo was a way for me to get out of that cycle. 

I am still working through this, hence the reason I never broadcasted this tattoo on Facebook. 

But...I'm learning that I can't control what others think and it is okay to do things for me without the fear of other people's reaction.

   

Learning to Love

 Landon has a lot of toys that somehow get scattered all over the floor throughout the day (he can't even really move yet).

But, each stuffed animal or toy has a name. Petry the turtle, Shanae (like the ballet turn) the elephant, Clover the Dalmatian, Carlisle the crocodile , Miles the monkey, Clicker Clacker the penguin, Shaker the rattle, Giovani the sea horse, Green the ball, Cyrus the Whale, Pancho the rubber duck, etc...

Seriously?

It is kinda silly when I think about it and I have a hard time keeping all of their names in order, but at the same time...I think it is important for Landon to see these inanimate objects as having an identity and value. As of right now these little things are his best "friends." He says, "hello" to them in the morning and, "goodnight" to them when we put them away at night. He picks which ones he wants to take to church and which ones he wants to take with him when we go for walks or bike rides.

He loves them as much as a 5 month old can love something.

Tyler and I want to teach Landon the importance of treating people like humans. One of our family mythologies is to simply love people. I think by giving a blue, stuffed elephant a name, this will teach him that everyone has value and should be treated as such. 

We want to help him grow in a way that will make the world a little more like the way God created it to be and that includes valuing every human regardless of their race, sexuality, or beliefs. 

I believe he is going to do great things in the world!

My Life Through Pictures

As you can probably tell from my Facebook, I take pictures of everything. 

I think pictures are a great way to remember the past. Once you look at one picture, it can spark a lot of other memories. 

So, I thought it would be fun to see how my life has changed through photography.

I was born 10/22/1989

I was raised in Waynesburg, PA. It may be a small town, but I'll forever be thankful to had grown up in a town where everyone knows and cares about you. I will always have fond memories of my hometown.

I had a great, big brother to grow up with. 

I was a little ballerina from the time I was three until my sophomore year of high school. I will forever be thankful that my parents put me in dance class because I believe that is where I became confident in myself.

Bunny was my favorite stuffed animal that I took everywhere (literally). My gram gave it to me when I was two and I still have it! (I don't take it anywhere now, though)

I have thirteen 'first day of school' pictures on these steps.

My grandparents have always been a part of my life.

Being a cheerleader has its stereotypes, but some of my best memories are wearing the red and black!

Senior Year of High School

I've have had a best friend since the age of two and even though we live on different side of the country, we still make our friendship work.

My gram lived with me throughout my entire childhood. She is the most beautiful woman and I believe I am who I am because of her.

Camping out in the living room, building a snowman family in the yard, and taking family vacations will always be some of my greatest memories.

Tyler and I met our freshman year of college. This was the first picture we ever took together and yes, that is peanut butter all over my face...

We got married July 1st, 2011, and he truly is the greatest man on this planet. My love for him is unconditional and unexplainable.

Because of marrying Tyler, I gained another amazing family.

We graduated from The University of Mount Union. Tyler has a degree in communications and religious studies and I have a degree in exercise science and psychology. 

We moved to California.

We have a beautiful baby, Landon Shae.

We have been living the California dream ever since.

I am proud of the woman I have become.

The Unexpected Birthday of Landon Shae

In March of 2012, Tyler and I decided to go car-less. So in an attempt to avoid driving a car as much as possible, we invested in a pair of bikes.

His

Hers

And for the past year, we have pretty much biked everywhere, even in the bipolar weather of Ohio with the exception of when we decided to move across the country to California driving this beauty:

Finner

[In case you are curious about the name]

I would never do it again, but I would tell anyone to drive across the country at least once. The experience of driving as long as you want (and can), and then stopping whenever and wherever you want is a really cool experience...especially when you do it with your husband.

Consequentially, we had to stop quite a bit. Because who wants to sit in a Penske truck for 40 straight hours? 

Not me. 

So one of our stops was at one of Utah's beautiful national parks where we did a lot of pretty intense hiking.

It was a good couple day break from the confines of the truck, but were soon back on the road and after 9 days of everything from the boring plains of Kansas to the beautiful Rockies of Colorado, we finally arrived at our apartment and began unpacking. The walk from our truck to our apartment was about a block away and then up three flights of stairs. We carried box after box for seven straight hours and in the midst of being completely exhausted, we were finally settled into our lives as Californians. 

Besides working and going to school, we pretty much just went to beach, hiked to some waterfalls, and explored Pasadena on our bikes.

We basically just enjoyed our first year of marriage in a beautiful state where the weather is always perfect and the mountains and beach are the perfect distance away (we can see the mountains from our apartment).  

A pretty regular life, yet a life that would change "in the blink of an eye." Or in our case, it changed with a single sentence.

"You're Pregnant."

December 9th, 2012 I woke up with some back pain. The night before, Tyler and I had went on a 20 mile bike ride so I just assumed I had pulled a muscle. Pulled muscles eventually get better, but this was getting worse...and worse...and the pain got so bad I said, "If this is what having a baby feels like, I'm not doing it." 

Oh the irony...

So three days had past and I figured I needed to go to the hospital because something was either seriously wrong, or I was going to die. 

We walked into the emergency room and they quickly moved me to the top or the priority list because obviously something was going on. After asking me all those great questions like "How tall are you?" "How much do you weigh?" "When was your last period?," they ordered an X-ray, but not before doing a urine sample to make sure I wasn't pregnant.

So Tyler and I are sitting in a tiny room, trying to figure out what the heck was happening and the doctor comes in and says to me, "Surprise! You are pregnant."

Uhhh excuse me? Thats not possible. I've been on birth control for over a year now, I haven't gained any weight, and have showed no signs of human life growing inside of me. Not to mention I have done A TON of things I shouldn't have done if I'm actually pregnant:

I moved across the country. 

Hiked in really hot, intense conditions.

Carried a bunch of heavy stuff while moving. 

Biked hundreds of miles. 

Did P90X, including ab ripper X, for awhile. 

Not only did I not live without the knowledge that a human was growing inside of me, I went through some pretty crazy, stressful, and emotional events.

Still trying to stay positive, we figured we had a few months to process what we were going to do because we were nowhere near finically ready to have a baby. Not to mention, we had only been married a year and a half and we still had plenty of things we wanted to do before settling down to start a family.

However, there was no time for questions or discussion because before I knew it, we were being whisked up to ultrasound to see how far along I was.

My ultrasound experience was not like the kind you see on TV. 

There was no discussion like, "What are you having?" "Do you have a name picked out? "How has your pregnancy been so far?" "What color is your nursery?"

It was strictly protocol and to the point...

And after what seemed like hours, the doctor came in and said something to me that I will remember for as long as I live.

"You are definitely pregnant. In fact, you are 9 months pregnant and you are going to have to deliver this baby today because your fluid level is too low for the baby's survival." 

I have never had so much fear and guilt fill my body in my entire life. These were the thoughts racing through my mind:

     I have no idea how to give birth. Women get 9 months to prepare their mind and bodies to endure        this kind of thing. 

     I kept thinking, "There is no way I'm going to be able to do this," followed by, "Well, I don't really have a choice do I?" A tension that consumed me with anxiety and fear. 

     Then there was the thought that I am already a terrible mother because how does a woman go nine months without knowing a baby is growing inside of her. 

     There was even the scary thought that I never felt him or her kick so it is probably dead. If it isn't dead, there is no way its going to be healthy because of the birth control I had been taking. 

     If this baby is sick or if I deliver it and its dead, its going to be my fault and how am I going to live with knowing I caused this to happen...all because I didn't know I was pregnant.

     Not to mention, nobody is going to believe me because how do you not know you are pregnant? 

If it were not for Tyler, I think I would have passed out. 

When I married him, I knew he was amazing, supportive, loving, and all things wonderful, but until that moment, I realized I really take him for granted. I truly would not have been able to move forward with this if I didn't have him as my support. 

I needed him to be with me the entire time, and he never left me. Though he was just as scared as I was, he was able to put his feelings aside and was everything I needed him to be and more. 

All of these thoughts surfaced instantaneously and we were then up to the labor and delivery floor where they checked to see if I was dilated. 

I was.

10 centimeters dialated and they could already feel the baby's hair.

So, we were moved up on the priority list (once again) and were quickly settled into our room. 

And at last, there was a step in the positive direction. They found the baby's heartbeat meaning that it was at least alive, But that is all we knew.

I was still in a lot of pain (labor is as painful as women say) and Tyler and I had 9 months of stuff to figure out in about 3 hours so I gave in and got an epidural. I always said I would go natural (and I hope to the next time around), but I think in this case, it was a good idea.

So after I was settled down and finally able to relax for the first time in 3 days, we began to talk about where the baby would sleep, how we would get the things we needed, and how we were going to tell our parents. 

We also needed to figure out a name. 

We knew if it was a boy, his name was going to be Landon. The middle name, Shae, means, "gift" and we thought that was appropriate. 

We had a few girl options, but nothing set in stone. I had a feeling it was a boy, so I wasn't really worried about it.

So eventually the pushing process started and after about 2 hours, we heard the beautiful, crying sound of this little guy... 

A precious, healthy, 6lb 13oz 20in long, baby boy.

And then they placed Landon Shae in my arms for the first time.

Of course I fell in love instantly, but my first thought was. "Who are you, and where did you come from, and now what do I do?"

Although it was one of the best moments of my life...I had never felt more guilt than I did in that moment. 

     Some women do everything exactly right and their pregnancies end in disaster.

I didn't even know I was pregnant and my baby is healthy and beautiful.

     Some couples try endlessly to have a baby and for some reason, it doesn't happen.

Tyler and I were not trying to have a baby, and we easily conceived.

Here I was, staring at this amazing human being, feeling completely underserving.

And although it seems great that I didn't gain any weight, never had morning sickness, and never had strange cravings, I felt a major loss of not getting the chance to feel my baby move. 

Because I carried him in my lower back throughout the pregnancy, I never felt him kicking. In the midst of so much excitement and life changing happiness, there was still a sense of pain trying to piece everything together. 

However, in the midst of my guilt and fear, the doctors and nurses encouraged me by explaining the reason Landon is so healthy is because of everything I did right.

     I was active my entire pregnancy. All the hiking, biking, walking, and exercising actually put me in great shape for the delivery process.

     And because I am a healthy eater, Landon was able to receive all the nutrients he needed regardless of no prenatal care.

We don't use the world "miracle" to describe Landon, but he truly is amazing and I feel so blessed that God has entrusted Tyler and I to care for this child...even if it was a little unexpected.

Its been almost 5 months now and Landon is the sweetest, happiest, cutest, most loving baby I have ever met. The love I have for him is overwhelming and it is hard for me to remember what my life was like before he entered into the world.

Regardless of anything that happened before 12/12/12, I love this little guy more than any words could express. 

Some days I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing and I fear he is going to have a complex because of how he entered into the world, but when I feel like he actually loves me back, those fears disappear.

Feeling his love and appreciation is one of the greatest feelings I have ever experienced.

I love watching him grow and even though I feel like he is growing too fast, I am so thankful that he is flourishing and developing into a wonderful human being.

And even though we didn't know he existed until 6 hours before he was born, we love him like we knew he was there all along.

Most people accept our story as being amazing and incredible, but there are always going to be people who don't believe us. 

At first, this really bothered me because why on earth would we hide something like this from people?

And really, what would we have gained by doing so? 

To be completely honest, it still does bother me because most of the time, they fail to understand what I went through psychologically. 

To this day, I still struggle with the fact that something could have gone terribly wrong. I think I am so protective now because I feel like I didn't protect him while he was in my womb.

I worry about telling him his birth story for the first time because what if he feels like he wasn't wanted or that we didn't care about him?

What if he is resentful of his siblings who have sonogram pictures?

I think about these things all the time and I hope through this story, people may begin to see what was and still goes through my mind.

Sure, I didn't have negative side effects of being pregnant, but I also missed the positives of going through the normal pregnancy process.

However, regardless of what anyone may think, when it comes down to it, I have learned what is really important.

     Things could have gone wrong, but they didn't. In fact, they went perfectly.

 Landon may have a lot of questions about his birth story, but I hope through the love we have for him as he grows, he will see that he was always wanted, he was and always will be loved, and he is the most beautiful thing have ever created.

I can't wait to see what he does in this world, because it is going to be amazing.

Want my husband's point of view of this unexpected birth? Read his story here!